Can It Core a Apple?

One of my favorite Honeymooners episodes is "Chef of the Future" when Ralph and Ed decide to go on late night TV to sell the Handy Housewife Helper, a kitchen gadget that does just about everything except when the boys try to demonstrate it on a TV commercial. "Can it core a apple?" asks Ed. Ralph promptly illustrates and cuts himself, prompting one of Gleason's rants as he dances around bellowing and holding his injured hand. I love gadgets, even simple ones. Things like a potato peeler fascinate me. All of these things were invented by clever people who saw a need and filled it. Sadly, like the Handy Household Helper, not all gadgets have a promising future. Here are a few from the wonderful "Heartland America" catalog to illustrate my point. I've used the actual language from the ads so you know I'm not making this stuff up.

The Poultry Pal - "Why would you ever want to shove a can of beer inside a chicken or turkey and cook it? The answer is simple...it's the most tasty, moist and incredibly flavorful bird you've ever tasted. However, cooking with an actual beer can creates dangerous chemicals that are released from heating the paint and ink on the can. And after all, it's the beer and the cooking method,not the can, that creates such a great taste. Now you can make incredible beer can chicken or turkey without the dangers of using a can. Poultry Pan combines a cooking pan with a chamber to hold your favorite brew while cooking so you can get a perfect tasting bird every time! " (I'm guessing this is a best seller in Arkansas.)

Classic Tin Cup - "Bring history to life with each drink. Take a sip from this historically-correct Classic Tin Cup, just as our forefathers did over the creation of our great nation. We've been handcrafting these tin cups for nearly 200 years, without welding or soldering, just like in the early 1800s when the American West was young. Used by Americans in most walks of life, these tin cups are still put together by hand and with a little help from the original equipment. So let your imagination flow as you enjoy this epic relic of Americana. You'll surprisingly bring history to life with each drink." (Good for begging too.)

Revolving Tie Rack - With so many ties in your collection, you need a serious solution to tie organization and storage. This revolving tie rack holds 64 ties, numerous belts and is exceedingly compact. The rack attaches securely and stays in place, allowing you to rotate your ties at the push of a button. Battery operated makes it easy to choose the perfect tie from your collection. Room for more than 60 ties and special attachments for belts make this tie rack durable and practical for any closet. Special clips allow you to attach the tie rack to a closet rod, and a convenient light turns on as it revolves. Uses 4-C batteries (not included). (Comes in handy when there's nothing on TV.)

Headlight Hat - "Ingenious invention! A comfortable cap with an on-board incandescent lamp - get 2 for the price of 1! We couldn't believe it when we saw this clever product! This 5-panel cap is constructed of premium quality cotton that's lightweight, durable and comfortable. Plus, it has an incandescent bulb that adjusts four ways so you can direct a warm, bright beam of light where you need it most and an off/on switch. Great for hunting, car repairs, walking the dog at night and more. Includes 1 khaki and 1 mossy green cap. Two 'AAA' cells per cap included. Adjustable hook & loop closure." (Also useful for trainee coal miners and night stalkers.)

Portable Rechargeable Fan/Radio - "If you're like most people, you've often wished for a fan to cool you off while you enjoy the great outdoors. Your wish has come true! This ingenious fan has a rechargeable battery so you can use it anywhere. Plus an on-board AM/FM radio with a great sounding full-range side speaker. It features two whisper quiet fan speeds plus oscillation, 10" blade, AC operation mode and up to four hours of use per charge. Rechargeable battery & AC power cord included. 16" x 20" x 6". 1-year limited warranty." (Gee, I always thought being in the great outdoors would be enough to cool you off. Clever combination of appliances...almost as good as their bathtub toaster.) 

I am a catalog freak; I never cease to be amazed at the stuff people come up with. The best thing about these products is that people are buying them. Somewhere in this great land of ours, there's a poor soul whose life is so uneventful that he's waiting eagerly for the mailman to bring his revolving tie rack. Is that the doorbell?!

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Happy Valentine's Day

Every February 14, across the United States and around the world, candy, flowers and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. But who is this mysterious saint, and where did these traditions come from? Why does Booger feel compelled to buy those gas station roses for Lurleen? Why can't you get a dinner reservation anywhere on Valentine's Day? Why are guys across the country scratching their heads trying to figure out why their normally placid spouses got hysterical and threw those nice Valentine gifts of steam irons and vacuum cleaners at their heads. Well lucky for you I have nothing better to do today, so I will try to shed some light on this phenomenon.

The history of Valentine's Day--and the story of its patron saint--is shrouded in mystery. We do know that February has long been celebrated as a month of romance, and that St. Valentine's Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition. The Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred. One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.

Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons, where they were often beaten and tortured. According to one legend, an imprisoned Valentine actually sent the first "valentine" greeting himself after he fell in love with a young girl--possibly his jailer's daughter--who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter signed "From your Valentine," an expression that is still in use today. Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories all emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic and--most importantly--romantic figure. By the Middle Ages, perhaps thanks to this reputation, Valentine would become one of the most popular saints in England and France. 

While some believe that Valentine's Day is celebrated in the middle of February to commemorate the anniversary of Valentine's death or burial--which probably occurred around A.D. 270--others claim that the Christian church may have decided to place St. Valentine's feast day in the middle of February in an effort to "Christianize" the pagan celebration of Lupercalia. Celebrated at the ides of February, or February 15, Lupercalia was a fertility festival dedicated to Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture, as well as to the Roman founders Romulus and Remus.

To begin the festival, members of the Luperci, an order of Roman priests, would gather at a sacred cave where the infants Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome, were believed to have been cared for by a she-wolf or lupa. The priests would sacrifice a goat, for fertility, and a dog, for purification. They would then strip the goat's hide into strips, dip them into the sacrificial blood and take to the streets, gently slapping both women and crop fields with the goat hide. Far from being fearful, Roman women welcomed the touch of the hides because it was believed to make them more fertile in the coming year. Later in the day, according to legend, all the young women in the city would place their names in a big urn. The city's bachelors would each choose a name and become paired for the year with his chosen woman. These matches often ended in marriage.

Lupercalia survived the initial rise of Christianity and but was outlawed—as it was deemed “un-Christian”--at the end of the 5th century, when Pope Gelasius declared February 14 St. Valentine's Day. It was not until much later, however, that the day became definitively associated with love. During the Middle Ages, it was commonly believed in France and England that February 14 was the beginning of birds' mating season, which added to the idea that the middle of Valentine's Day should be a day for romance. Valentine greetings were popular as far back as the Middle Ages, though written Valentine's didn't begin to appear until after 1400. The oldest known valentine still in existence today was a poem written in 1415 by Charles, Duke of Orleans, to his wife while he was imprisoned in the Tower of London following his capture at the Battle of Agincourt.

How smacking ladies with strips of goat hide dipped in blood translated down through the ages into candy, flowers and bling, I can't say. I do know that Valentine's Day is a welcome holiday in mid-February when winter is starting to get old. It also reminds us that we would be nothing without those we love, and who love us, in our lives. Happy Valentine's Day to all.

(Information taken from HISTORY.COM)

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Now That’s Funny

The other day I was watching a Golden Girls rerun. One of the characters, (Blanche, the oversexed Southern belle) spoke this line: "I'm as nervous as a virgin at a prison rodeo." I fell off my chair laughing. I find the show even funnier today than when it was in its original run. The four ladies around whom the show is built are total pros who understand comedy timing and delivery. Throw in a talented group of writers who "get" the characters and know how to write for them and you have, in my view anyhow, one of the funniest shows ever on television.

I got to thinking about what makes people laugh. A sense of humor is absolutely necessary if one is to get through life intact, and yet, we don't all find the same things funny. I think too that our sense of humor changes as we get older. For example, when I was a kid I never missed a Red Skelton show; I thought he was hilarious, yet when I see old clips of the show today, I cringe to think I ever found him funny. Same goes for Jerry Lewis, The Three Stooges, Milton Berle and other performers I've outgrown. They were all physical comedians, and that type of comedy, with a few exceptions, (John Belushi, Steve Martin, Kevin James) just leaves me cold today.

It's hard to put into writing what I find funny. Certain people as diverse as Jackie Gleason, Woody Allen, Steve Allen, Rodney Dangerfield, Carol Burnett, Richard Pryor, Bob Newhart, Eddie Murphy (before he fell in love with himself) Lucille Ball, and Lily Tomlin can usually be counted on to make me laugh. There is also a company of second bananas who ring my bell: Art Carney, Ted Knight, Don Knotts, Jerry Stiller, Vivian Vance Harvey Korman, and Tim Conway. There is no common denominator that all these people share except that they make me laugh. There are many others, but these folks come to mind this minute.

As a kid I was addicted to certain cartoon characters, and these I have not outgrown. Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, Yosemite Sam, Foghorn Leghorn, Wile E. Coyote, Tweety and Sylvester, Elmer Fudd, and The Tasmanian Devil were (and are) all favorites. Saturday afternoons of my childhood were spent in the balcony of the Colonial Theater in Brooklyn where, in addition to two feature films, they showed 21 color cartoons. I think my own sense of humor was developing at that time, and there was no greater joy for young Jimmy than to watch the look on Wile E. Coyote's face as that mail-order Acme Roadrunner Bomb blew up in his face. There was also a memorable cartoon featuring the fabulous Michigan J. Frog, a singing amphibian, that I found to be a classic.

Comedy is where you find it. Charlie Chaplin is widely considered to be a comedic genius, yet I find his films to be infinitely sad. On the other hand, sometimes the most serious situations can produce laughter, or so-called comic relief. We find ourselves needing to laugh to mitigate the powerful emotions some dramas can evoke in us. Comedic lines that paint funny images can come at us from anywhere. The other night I was watching a show called "Justified" written by the great mystery writer Elmore Leonard. It's about a U.S. Marshall in Harlan County, Kentucky dealing with a unique collection of backwoods crooks and con men. It's usually a pretty violent show, but in this episode, one of the rednecks says to another: "You're so dumb you have to blow a whistle while you take a s**t so you know which end to wipe."

Now that's funny.

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The Man Who Saved the World

In the darkest days of WWII, when Hitler was steamrolling Europe and the appeasers in England like Nevile Chamberlain had their heads in the sand, one man spoke out against the German menace. Winston Churchill, whose career had its ups and downs, was just beginning to reestablish himself as a respected figure in British government. Though he knew his voice would be in the minority, Churchill warned that war was imminent if Hitler was not stopped. The British people and their government remembered the horrors of WWI and were not anxious to go to war again. We all know what happened; luckily, England realized its grave error and put Winston Churchill  in charge of winning the war. Never in history did one man, by the force of his will and the power of his words, do so much to save the world from disaster.

In the late 1930s, with Hitler gobbling up European countries like candy,  Churchill, along with Lord Beaverbrook, aggressively stepped up production of war materials including fighter planes and bombers. Knowing that Germany's Luftwaffe dominated the skies, this single strategic initiative allowed England to catch up and eventually overtake Germany's war production. Britain's Royal Air Force, suitably equipped and trained, was able to frustrate Hitler's and Air Marshall Goering's plan to destroy RAF bases , thus paving the way for a naval attack on England. In expressing his gratitude to these pilots, Churchill uttered one of the many memorable quotes that would be the hallmark of his career, and which would help boost morale in England and around the world: 'Never in the field of human conflict has so much been owed by so many to so few'?

It would not be the last time Churchill used the power of words to rally the people. At a time when Germany was winning the war, confidence and optimism were in short supply in England. France had fallen and the British were staring down the barrel of the German war machine. Realizing how badly the people needed to believe that victory was possible, Churchill rallied them yet again with these words: "We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and the oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender."

One of the great events that helped turn the tide against Germany was the ability of the Allies to decipher encoded German signals traffic by breaking the Enigma coding device, a machine like a typewriter, which encrypted secret messages. A coded message was sent from the German foreign minister to his ambassador in Mexico City informing him of plans to invade the United States. On being notified of these plans, officials in Washington were understandably perturbed, and hastened to effect the entry of the U.S. into the war, something that Churchill was trying hard to do. One of the many errors Hitler made was declaring war on the United States, an action that brought America's military might to bear against an already faltering Germany.

Another bad decision of Hitler's was taking on Russia. Early in the war, Russia and Germany were secret allies. While on the surface Stalin was trying to make an alliance with Britain and France he was in fact carrying on secret negotiations with the Nazis in order to obtain guarantees of Soviet safety from the Germans. On August 23, 1939 the world was shocked to learn that a German Soviet non-aggression pact had been signed. In effect, the pact meant that Germany was free and clear to invade Poland without fear of interference from the Soviet Union. When the British code breakers learned that Hitler was now planning to turn against his Russian ally, Churchill warned Stalin who didn't believe him, fearing a trick. When the Germans did invade Stalingrad, Russia became an ally of the West and helped to crush the German armies.

Did Winston Churchill save the world from Nazi domination? The answer is yes. At a time when the Nazi threat was not yet recognized for what it was, a man of courage was needed to stand up and tell the truth, thereby preserving the hopes of the civilized world; thankfully the good Lord sent us Winston. As relentless as he was in winning the war, he was magnaminous to his enemies in peacetime. Here is a final quote to commemorate the man who rallied not only England, but the world, at a time when things were looking so bleak: "Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth lasts for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest hour'!”

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Random Thoughts

When I read about the things that evil people do to children, it makes me wonder why we ever eliminated the death penalty. There is no argument that will change my mind on this issue, not religion, not morality, not philosophy. Not only should these monsters be put to death, they should first be made to suffer the same pain they inflicted on their victims. If this makes me a monster, I guess I'll have to live with that.

The mayor of Hoboken does not want Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi and Jennifer "JWoww" Farley's "Jersey Shore" spinoff. In a  letter to 495 Productions, Mayor Dawn Zimmer has officially denied the request to let the spinoff take place in Hoboken. Good for you Mayor Zimmer, I would move to Hoboken just so I could vote for you. These brainless bimbos, whose only talent is the amount of silicone their bodies can tolerate, should be put to sleep.

The headline read: Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney said on Wednesday that he's "not concerned about the very poor". This quote from Huff Post shows that yellow journalism is not dead. The article goes on to say that Romney said that there is already a safety net of programs in place to help the very poor, and that if needs to be improved, he will do that. His main concern is for middle class Americans who just keep getting handed the bills and for whom no safety net exists. Sadly, many people will only read the headline and form an opinion about Mr. Romney on that basis alone. Got to love that liberal media!

Demi Moore has had a rough few months. She lost her husband, then had a drug overdose which led her to back off from a movie role. She is just another sad example of how this country's youth culture destroys people who succumb to it. In many cultures, the elderly are revered; in the United States, they are too often ignored or discarded. Instead of chasing that elusive fountain of youth, we should embrace the gifts that come with age. PS. An added downside of Demi pulling out of that movie is that the part went to Sara Jessica Parker, someone with no discernible talent.

From Sara O'Leary in Huff Post: "Three years ago, Ms. Deen was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. For the next three years, she continued on her delicious, wildly unhealthy course without missing a single marketing beat. She evangelized her fat, fried and sugared recipes with the enthusiasm of a drug pusher, only to become one for drug company Novo Nordisk when there was money to be made." This pretty much speaks for itself, but let me add my two cents: Shame on you Paula.

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Hey, You Can't Say That!

Spin doctors go through life trying to make you believe a cesspool is really a Jacuzzi. The misguided legions of the politically correct are on guard 24/7 for any word or phrase that could possibly offend anyone. The sad result has been to dilute and diminish the great English language to the point where nothing means anything any more. Some of it is just silliness, but clearly some of it is motivated by super-sensitive liberals not wanting to give offense. At last year's Golden Globe awards, host Ricky Gervais let the air out of a few over-inflated celebrity egos. When critics suggested his remarks were offensive, Ricky replied: "offense is not given, it is taken."

Here's an example of silly spin-doctoring. We all know what a prune is. For centuries, prune was a perfectly good word. Now, some 14-year old marketing whiz decided "prune" had a negative connotation in that it was associated with old (over 30) people and their inability to, well, you know. To clean up prune's image, they are now referred to as dried plums. In French, prune means plum, but since when did the French ever get anything right. To me, dried plum sounds worse than prune, and the name change doesn't really change the reason we might eat prunes...wink, wink. Dumb idea.

One of my favorite PC words that was introduced by that paragon of integrity, the used automobile industry, is "pre-owned." We all knew what a used car was, but noooo, that sounded too tacky. A used car suggests upholstery that smells of old farts, and has shriveled french fries under the seats. "Pre-Owned" on the other hand means your BMW was lovingly cared for by an older gentleman who looked like John Forsythe and hand-waxed the car while wearing silk ascots and Bass loafers. He only put the car up for sale when his portfolio dipped and he had to sell the house in Aspen. And it gets better when they say: Certified Pre-Owned...are they guaranteeing it was used?  Swing and a miss...used is used.

When corporations cut jobs to save their drowning asses, they were said to be "downsizing." For years this term described exactly what they were doing and everyone understood it. Then, the same 14-year old who came up with dried plum got to thinking that the word had become too scary and gave us the PC term: "rightsizing." The implication here is that the firm had been oversized, and that by giving all those loyal employees the boot, they were now exactly the right size. A rose by any other name...I'm sure the poor bastards who got those pink slips took great comfort in the fact that they were out of work because of rightsizing, and not, God forbid, downsizing.

This last term is far from funny, it is more like scary. The country is no longer being overrun by illegal aliens, but undocumented immigrants you silly goose. America is in a serious economic crisis and one of the reasons is the government's generosity in redistributing (originally called stealing) money from people who work to give to people who don't work. It's bad enough that we do this for our own lazy citizens, but when we do it for people who illegally enter the country, that is sheer madness. To make this insane practice sound less looney, the PC Left came up with "undocumented immigrants." They meant to register with the government when they came through that border fence ten years ago, but darn it, they plum forgot.

On a lighter note, in a Santa Claus training class in Australia, participants were told that Santa can no longer say: Ho, ho, ho because "Ho" is too close to the American slang for prostitute and therefore offensive to women. Instead they must say Ha, ha, ha. Not kidding folks, look it up. When will the madness end?

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Defensive Driving

Some months ago I passed a school bus discharging kids on the other side of a divided roadway some six lanes away from mine. I never saw it because I don't have the peripheral vision of a chameleon. Long story short, 5 points on my license and a $300 fine. Thank you officer, may I have another. As a result of this debacle, I enrolled in a defensive driving class to remove some of the points from my record and reduce my auto insurance premiums, which are approaching the gross national product of Romania. The class was held yesterday, and I learned some interesting things about the driving laws of New York State.

Did you know that when stopping for a stop sign, the law requires you to: 1) come to a full stop at the stop sign behind the crosswalk; roll slowly into the intersection, and come to another full stop when you can see the traffic flow; 3) look both ways to see if you are clear to proceed and then make your turn or go straight ahead. That seems like a lot of steps. On Staten Island we have a shorter procedure. Because making one full stop, much less two, takes too much time, we slow down to a rolling 10 mph at the stop sign, using the opportunity to change the CD in the radio, and then gun the car into the intersection. We always keep one hand on the horn in case we have to scare the bejusus out of any poor soul who happened to be occupying the lane we were now in. 

Here's another new bit of driving knowledge I picked up. On a highway, driving for any distance in the left lane is against the law; the left lane is supposed to be for passing only. That brought a smile. I'll bet there are people who have taken route I-95 from Brooklyn, New York to Miami, Florida while in the left lane for the entire trip. On the Garden State Parkway in New Jersey, many senior citizens drive from New York down to Atlantic City the whole way in the left lane never going above 55 mph. There are maniacs passing them on the shoulder, narrowly missing the deer grazing there, in an effort to send a message that they might want to move over, but that look on Grandpa's face says: " By God, the limit is 55 and I ain't moving for nobody." Charming.

As I understand it, there are two penalty points assessed against NY State drivers for using a cell phone or texting while driving. This is a joke. I get assessed 5 points for passing a school bus that was stopped two miles away, while these pinheads get a lousy two points! People crazy enough to text in a moving vehicle should have their licenses suspended. They are clearly the most dangerous drivers on the road. As a Christian I shouldn't say this, but in all honesty, I really don't care if they kill themselves...it would clean up the gene pool a bit. I just worry that they will kill me or some other innocent bystander because of their stupidity. We need to crack down on these morons.

I should correct myself...those who drink and drive are as bad, and maybe worse, than drivers who text. You can probably have a beer or a glass of wine and remain under the legal limit for DWI or DUI, but beyond this is really asking for trouble. Even one drink, when combined with certain over-the counter or prescription drugs, can leave you physically impaired. This is the rule most of us probably break at one time or another. Before doing this next time, imagine trying to live with the reality that your recklessness maybe killed or maimed an innocent person and destroyed someone's family. That's a lot of guilt to carry around for a lousy glass of Merlot. Don't hesitate to surrender your car keys, or to ask for someone else's; drunk driving is just not worth the risk. 

Most people of my generation took their drivers test in the days when the rules for driving buckboards were still on the books. Maybe all NY State drivers, young and old, as a condition for renewing their licenses, should be required to take a defensive driving class. Many new regs are on the books, and we've forgotten half the ones we thought we knew.

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Downton Abbey

The second season of one of the more fascinating shows on TV this year appears on PBS. Downton Abbey is a beautifully crafted and acted miniseries set in a fictional estate in North Yorkshire, England. Having missed season one, and hearing that the show was a "must watch", we bought the DVD of season one and became seriously hooked. We are great fans of the old "Upstairs, Downstairs" series, also broadcast on PBS many years ago. For me the key to both shows is the playing out of how different life was for those in class-conscious England at the beginning of the twentieth century. Stories of the landed gentry and those "in service" to them open a window to what their lives were like.

Downton Abbey opens with the sinking of HMS Titanic in 1912. The family in residence at the estate is greatly affected by the tragedy in that among those who went down with the ship is the cousin of the current Earl of Grantham of Downtown Abbey, and his heir who was to marry the lord's eldest daughter, Lady Mary, thus becoming first in line to inherit the title, the manor and all that went with the estate. Having no other heirs, Lord Grantham is duty and honor bound to leave the estate to a distant cousin of whom they know little, except that he is a middle class barrister, a profession for which they have no respect. (Even then, lawyers were considered odious.)

The consequences of this change in the family's fortunes play out in settings as diverse as the opulent 100-room manor house to the trenches of World War I battlefields. The current Earl's family schemes as to how to avoid turning over the title and the estate to the new heir, all that is except for Lord Grantham himself. He sees himself as not the owner of Downton Abbey, but as its caretaker and custodian. Like any good Englishman, Lord Grantham is determined to follow the law which states that all he possesses, including his American wife's fortune which is now part of the estate, must pass to the rightful heir. Lord Grantham's wife and his mother who, up until this new turn of events were enemies, unite as allies to find a way to hang on to everything.

It is impossible to relate all the stories that unfold in connection with the events described above, so I won't try. What impressed me about this show was the insights into the attitudes of the wealthy British upper class who presided over the country during this era, and the army of servants who waited on them hand and foot. The nobility believed they were superior to those not of their class, but many felt a sense of "noblesse oblige", the obligation of persons of rank to behave in a way befitting their station. This meant treating servants fairly and taking some responsibility for their welfare. Contrary to what one might expect, many servants came to love their masters and to perform their duties with pride and loyalty.

There were certain distinctions even in the underclass. The butler was supreme commander of the "downstairs" world and often wielded his power more ruthlessly than the lord of the manor. Standards meant everything and were adhered to religiously. All staff members from parlor maids, kitchen maids, footmen, chauffeurs and cooks knew their place and stayed in it. Work was hard to come by, and often the slightest infraction was enough to get some poor soul sacked. As an example of how rigid these standards were, when the war with Germany broke out and male servants were conscripted for the army, Charles Carson, the butler of Downton Abbey was aghast at having to use housemaids to serve dinner, a duty always performed by male footmen. Oh the sacrifices we are asked to make in time of war.

One of the side joys of watching the show is getting to hear the English language spoken properly. Also the understated British sense of humor amuses me. One of the more delightful characters in the story is Lord Grantham's mother, the dowager empress, played impeccably by Maggie Smith. This grand old dame despised the mother of the new heir and rarely missed an opportunity to let her know. She once delivered what she thought was a stinging insult to this woman only to have the woman say: "Well, I'll take that as a compliment." Unfazed, the dowager mutters: "Then I must have said it wrong." Game, set and match. Despite their aloofness and feelings of superiority, I confess to being an incurable Anglophile. The sun never sets on the British Empire.

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Pet Peeves, Volume 9

I have my pet peeves cataloged by subject and year. Everything annoys me. I'm not sure when this propensity to complain began. Surely I was much less of a complainer as a younger man, but I think the effects of so many people doing so many stupid things is cumulative. You put up with it and put up with it and suddenly, one day, you snap. It's come to the point where I now expect people to disappoint me...I look for it...and when it happens, I get peeved. I don't know if there's any going back. Once you cross that bridge it's hard getting back to the other side. Here are a few examples:

It used to be that when you picked up an item while shopping, the price was always clearly visible. Many stores no longer mark prices on their merchandise. So you get to the register and the cashier looks at you as if you just pulled the plug on her grandmother's respirator. "Price check, men's shirts" she announces, not even bothering to disguise the annoyance in her voice. Then you find out that the item costs way more than you intended to spend, so you must either be a wuss and sheepishly pay the extra bucks or risk incurring the wrath of Geraldine the cashier by stating you don't want the item. Solution: high school part-timer and a price gun.

I know you have a new Lexus, and I know you value it more than your childrens' eyes, but don't pull that angle parking stunt where you take up two spaces in the lot so that nobody dings your baby. It's hard enough to find parking with all the "handicapped" spaces for fat people who are too lazy to move their tree-trunk legs...don't make it worse. If you're so worried about your car, drive to the back of the lot where nobody parks and leave it there. Even though that means walking your raggedy ass two minutes to the store entrance, your precious car will be fine and you will no longer be a thoughtless a**hole occupying two parking spaces. Solution: an ounce of concern for the other guy.

There are two extremes we face when dealing with public restrooms. The first is that the place is so dirty that going on the floor wouldn't make much difference. The second is that the place is so swank that they feel the need to have a uniformed attendant hand you a paper towel to dry your hands. Now I don't mind tipping people who perform a useful service for me, as a matter of fact I usually overtip. What I don't like is being panhandled in the bathroom. Why should I give you a dollar for handing me a towel? Certainly I can master the intricacies of the towel dispenser, so just leave me alone. Also, this has to be the worst job in the world (after Rosie O'Donnell's masseuse). Why subject some poor guy to Dante's fifth circle of hell. Solution: find him a real job like keying the cars of people who take up two parking spaces.

Most diner owners abide by the golden rule of breakfast management: keep the customers' coffee cups filled. Either waitresses or busboys go around refilling the coffee cups of people who are still sleepy and need the caffeine to kick start their hearts. As an alternative, they will leave a pot of coffee on the table which is my preference. In some places, usually outside of New York City, getting a second cup of coffee in a diner is a major challenge. Your waiter or waitress serves your breakfast and then leaves on a European vacation. Empty cup held aloft, you search for them, politely at first but then more frantically as your eggs begin to get cold. You seem to have become invisible to anyone with responsibility for serving customers. Solution: fill the cup or you'll be looking for your tip the way I was looking for my coffee.

I was going to add a pet peeve about people who park so close to your vehicle that you can barely open the door, but that issue is covered in Automotive Pet Peeves, Volumes 4, 5 and part of 6.

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Goodbye 2011

Hard to believe another year has passed. There is a sneaky law of life that states: the speed with which a calendar year passes is directly related to your age; the older you get, the faster it goes. That's kind of a bummer because older people need more time to do things, not less. Maybe we should adopt the plot to that movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, where he was born old and grew younger as time went by. That sounds nice because as we got wiser, we would also get physically stronger...youth would NOT be wasted on the young!

2011 was an interesting year. The world is trying to recover from decades of reckless spending, and we have some serious debt to work down. Whether it's nations providing ridiculous benefits to their citizens with no revenue to fund them, or the families who put five grand down on $800,000 houses, and mortgage their future, sooner or later the piper must be paid. It would be bad enough if only those who engaged in this folly had to suffer the consequences; at least they would reap what they sowed. But why do I have to reap their whirlwind? It's called liberalism, socialism or any name you can give to the stupid idea of income redistribution. Instead of occupying Wall Street and blaming others for our failures, we should be occupying schools and employment offices to claim our share of the American dream.

We got rid of some serious bad guys in 2011 including Osama Bin Laden, Moammar Gadhafi, and Kim Jong Il. Good riddance to trash. These despotic men kept their boot on the necks of their people for too long. Maybe the time has finally come for the Middle East to step out of the Middle Ages. It will be a long and probably bloody process with no guarantees at the end. We can only hope that the human rights long due these people will finally be theirs, and that they don't wind up with yet another power-mad fanatic to beat them back down. The area will be in flux for a while, especially with the U.S. pulling out its troops. We need a more stable world so resources might be spent feeding people instead of killing them.

Weather extremes continue to be a concern. 2011 saw earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes and other natural disasters claim too many lives. The debate rages about how much these events are due to man's polluting the environment and changing climactic conditions. Depending on whose studies you read, we are either not at all responsible, or totally to blame. I'm no scientist, but I tend to side with those who say that man is arrogant to believe that his activities can alter weather patterns that have remained essentially unchanged for millions of years. Yes, we should be careful where we build structures like nuclear plants, and do what is reasonable to keep our air and water clean, but the loons who live like it's 1820 to reduce their carbon footprint need to dial it down a bit.

Finally, we need to demand more of our leaders. It's frustrating to watch while a once third-rate power like China takes over the world's economic reins. We have exported too many jobs and technologies. American labor unions have painted themselves into a corner and are now fighting for their lives. Health care costs are spiraling out of control with no real solutions in sight. Politicians are so busy fighting among themselves that they forgot that they are supposed to be making the country better and not worse. President Obama had his shot, no doubt did his best, but he's failed. We need a leader with a plan who will not waver with every poll result. I know there's another Ronald Reagan or Harry Truman out there...please step up and save us.

Hope 2012 is a good year for my wonderful family and friends. May good health, happiness and prosperity be yours.

SEE DATES ABOVE RIGHT FOR OTHER POSTS FROM "BRAINDROPS". ALSO, READ MY OTHER BLOG: SPALDEEN DREAMS

LOOKING FOR A WORTHY CHARITY? TRY THESE FOLKS: Children's Craniofacial Association