Monday, November 29, 2010

Dumb De Dumb Dumb

Asians, formerly known as Chinese in the days before political correctness, are a marvelous people. Their history and culture are extraordinary, their cleverness and work ethic are unequaled, yet there is a flaw in them. Considering their superior intelligence, I have one question: Why do Chinese restaurant owners have people answering the phone for take-out orders who simply cannot be understood? When they repeat back my order, here's what I hear: "2 ek loll, 1 swe an sou pok, 1 bee wi blockl, 1 spa lib, dat it?" I see and hear so many bright young Chinese kids who speak better English than I do... hire one!

Saw a sign at the mall saying: "This year, be the kind of Santa you want to be." Translation, spend money you don't have on things you don't need so your family will love you. This whole Black Friday thing is criminal. Not only do retailers want us to dig ourselves into debt, they want us to wait in line starting at midnight on Thanksgiving for the privilege of being trampled by crazed, zombie shoppers looking for Anorexic, Depressed Barbie and Metro Sexual Ken. Not me kids, I'll be online doing my shopping. Even identity theft is better than death by bargain hunting cretins.

Our Constitution guarantees freedom of speech, but there are limits. The smirky pinheads at Wikileaks who use their first amendment privilege to publish classified documents should be prosecuted as traitors. Their actions put people in harm's way and jeopardize our country's diplomatic relations. Same goes for all who abet their treason including the newspapers who print these documents. This is not a game; we are waging war with terrorists who want us dead. Wikileaks and those who run it must be held accountable.

At least twice a week I drive into Manhattan. We leave at 5:30 in the morning, so it should be a clear run into the city, except for one thing...double parkers. All along First Avenue, where the lights are perfectly timed north bound, there will be countless a-holes double parked on both sides of the street, slowing traffic to a crawl just so the fat bastards can get their morning bagels without walking 50 feet. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?" "We have Your Honor, we find the defendant guilty of double parking." "Will the defendant please rise. You been found guilty of double parking in Manhattan. This Court has no choice but to sentence you to death by hanging."

Don't you love the web sites where, after filling out a two-page form to buy something online and pressing the "Submit" link, you get the following message: "You have omitted a key field on the form, please use the Back arrow on your computer to fill in the missing information." Now I'm not the brightest bulb in the drawer, but here's an idea: since you know what f&^$ing field I left out, how about telling me, or God forbid, automatically returning the cursor to the missing field with a prompt to fill it in. It just proves what I've said all along: most companies don't give a s&*t about their customers.

There are so many annoying radio commercials advertisers subject us to every day. Whether its unfunny humor, repetitive, hypnotic music being played behind the announcers voice, or that screaming maniac from Auto World selling cars, I just can't take it any more. Here's the one that pissed me off this morning: "This is the sound of 50 hands playing a Mozart concerto. (Sound effect). This is the sound of 1,000 hands applauding that performance (Sound effect)." Well this is the sound of my hand flying through the air turning off my freaking radio! If anyone wonders why people pay to listen to Sirius Satellite radio, just try listening to commercial AM radio and you'll understand.

Thank you doctor, I feel so much better. Same time next week?


LOOKING FOR A WORTHY CHARITY? TRY THESE FOLKS: Children's Craniofacial Association

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Twelve Days of Christmas

We all remember the Christmas classic, the Twelve Days of Christmas first published in 1780. We'll hear it 1,495 times between now and the holidays. I think the old song needs updating though, after all, who gives French Hens for Christmas any more. It's soooo over. Having nothing better to do, I hereby volunteer for the job. As a guide, I thought I'd turn to the stack of holiday gift catalogs that fill my mailbox every year. After looking at some of this crap, it seemed appropriate to develop a twist on the old song, so I hereby present The Twelve Tacky Days of Christmas. Just so you don't think I'm making this stuff up, I've included the links to the sites where you can learn more about these truly unique gifts. (Click on any photo to enlarge or click the link for gift details, then click your 'Back' arrow to return to the blog.)

Day 12 - Let's start with over-the top tacky. Everyone loves those clever t-shirts with the funny sayings. They make a statement that tells the world who you are. It's getting harder and harder to find any that are fresh and original, but I think this snappy little item more than meets that criteria. ttp://,12574062

Day 11 - Here's one for the youngsters on your list. Who doesn't love Santa Claus? Certainly not Mrs. Claus, shown here putting the ho in Ho-Ho-Ho.[2in5oAv291I].cfm

Day 10 - What do you get that person on your list that's always so hard to shop for? You know the one, has everything, needs nothing, and barely contains the contempt they feel every time they open your gift. Here's a surprise that will really get them to sit up and take notice.

Day 9 - Who doesn't love a laugh around the holiday dinner table? This hilarious gift will make you the hit of this year's family Christmas. Right after that big holiday dinner, when Uncle Al sits back in his chair and secretly loosens his belt, turn this baby on and wait for the chuckles.

Day 8 - We all like reading a magazine in the can, but this unique gift will give you something to look at instead of that six-month old time magazine, It's the Christmas gift that keeps giving throughout the year, and as the ad so cleverly puts it, "...when your little fishies end their meager lives, they haven't far to go."

Day 7 - Here's a gift that people will thank you for every time they use it. Surely we've all been in one of those conversations when we want to lunge across the table and go for the speaker's throat. Let's face it, some people just don't know when to shut up. These "Stop Talking" cards will get the job done for you without resorting to violence and maybe risking a serious ass kicking.

Day 6 - Help your loved ones re-live the terror from the heart-stopping shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho." This shower curtain will evoke disturbing images of Tony Perkins dressed up as Mother. They'll thank you every time they shower.

Day 5 - Are you waiting impatiently for grandma to kick off so you can inherit her money. Why not speed things up a bit. Just wait for grandma to get ready for bed. Then lie down on her floor with this blood-pool pillow under your head and viola, it's a Christmas miracle.

Day 4 - Our head of state can be your head of state...just add water. (Health Care Plan sold separately.)

Day 3 - Let's not leave baby out of the fun. These can't miss pacifiers will let even Junior wow your in-laws at the holiday table.

Day 2 - Got a smoker on your Christmas list? These poor folks are feeling mighty persecuted these days, having to climb ladders up to the roof just to grab a Marlboro. Let them know you still love them with this tasteful lung-shaped ash tray.

Day 1 - This is a nice compliment to the Psycho Shower Curtain. When the folks stumble screaming out of the shower, they'll want to towel off in a hurry. Though terrified, they'll know in a minute which end of the towel to use where.




Wednesday, November 3, 2010

A Hollow Victory?

Tuesday's election results should make me happy. The more conservative Republican party, as of the current count, has won around 60+ House seats, 6 Senate seats and 10 Governorships from Obama's free-spending, ineffectual Democratic party. The vile Nancy Pelosi is mounting her broom for a speedy departure (hopefully forever) from politics. A clear message has been sent that the country was on a wrong course and that change is needed to correct the "change" inflicted by Mr. Obama. This is all good, yet somehow I don't feel the glee I thought I would.

First, New York's top spots are still firmly in the hands of Democrats. Andrew Cuomo crushed Carl Palladino for the governor's mansion. There is a glimmer of hope here in that Cuomo did some good things for New York as Attorney General, and I can only hope he will govern from the center and not the radical left. Chuck (where's the camera?) Schumer and Kirsten (tell me how to vote, Chuck) Gillibrand easily won re-election over two Republicans nobody ever heard of. I don't know why better Republican candidates could not have been found to oppose them, but now we are stuck with these losers for six more years. I'm not a fan of term limits, it's just too bad we can't implement it selectively.

As long as I'm nit picking when I probably should be celebrating, let's look at a couple of other races that should have been won. The hated Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid, won re-election as did the closet Communist Barbara Boxer in California and Richard (I mis-spoke about my military record) Blumenthal in Connecticut. Better candidates should have been found to oppose these incumbents. Picking someone just because they have money to fund a campaign is not justifiable. I am thrilled about two local Republican wins: Michael Grimm stunned incumbent Mike McMahon, and Nicole Malliotakis swamped incumbent Janele Hyer-Spencer in two of the biggest upsets ever in Staten Island politics.

One reason I am not as happy as I should be with these results is that I wonder if we're just changing the players without ever changing the system. All winners seem to march off to Washington and Albany saying they will effect change in government when in the end, it seems like they are the ones who change. There are a few exceptions like Governor Chris Christie in New Jersey who bucks the system to do what he thinks is right, all along knowing that not playing ball with the power brokers might cost him re-election. Am I naive in believing that elected representatives are supposed to stand up for their constituents and not just do what is necessary to keep their jobs?

I am also bothered by the mean spiritedness and dirty tricks that have come to characterize American politics. The Tea Party folks employ some of these tactics, but sadly it is both sides who campaign in the gutter. Some recent taunting quotes from President Obama on the campaign trail: “We don’t mind the Republicans joining us. They can come for the ride, but they gotta sit in the back." And another: "I want them to just get out of the way and not do a lot of talking,” he scoffed in response to critics of the federal trillion-dollar stimulus boondoggle. So much for his call for bi-partisan cooperation.

And so the people have spoken on election day, 2010. I think the best line I heard about the repudiation of Obama's agenda by the American people came from journalist P.J. O'Rourke who said: "This was not an election, it was a restraining order". Whether we will move the country toward the traditional values that made us great remains to be seen. Maybe we will never see that America again. And so, instead of sitting here gloating about the rejection of the Obama rush to socialism, I worry about the world my children and grandchildren will inherit. Are the Roovevelts, Trumans, and Reagans of tomorrow sitting out there in classrooms somewhere ready to ride to the rescue, or are we doomed to elect the Jimmy Carters and Barack Obamas to drag us down. Stay tuned folks.

LOOKING FOR A WORTHY CHARITY? TRY THESE FOLKS: Children's Craniofacial Association