Friday, November 14, 2008

Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas

Christmas is speeding toward us. When you're a kid, it seems like an eternity between Christmas holidays; when you get older, it's a blink. Anyhow, this post is about Christmas shopping. Every year we get a ton of catalogs with gift suggestions. Some gifts are practical, some are plain ridiculous, and some are so outrageously expensive that I wonder who gives them? Is there a group of super-wealthy people sitting home with their noses pressed to the window waiting for the mailman to deliver the Nieman Marcus and Tiffany's catalogs? To show you how much free time I have, I thought I would play "Warren Buffet for a day" and look for the most expensive gift items I could find.

Let's start with something small like a man's hat. Tired of your man wearing that raggedy baseball cap that says: "Here's the Beef"? Well this little number will help class up the boy. It's a Russian sable hat that will have the guys down at the Piggly Wiggly saying: "Now where can a fella get a hat like 'at one." It will also make your man a shoo-in for the Raccoon Lodge's "Grand Exalted Mystic Ruler" when that post becomes vacant.
Nieman Marcus: $1875.00

How about a nice sweater to go with the hat. I know it won't be easy to replace that reindeer sweater his grandma knitted him when he was 12, the one he spilled nacho sauce all over, but once he sees this little beauty, that reindeer monstrosity will become his new oil rag. Picture his face Christmas morning when he opens this classic Italian-made cashmere cardigan. Better yet, picture the look of pure envy on the face of the guy behind the shoe-rental counter when he waltzes into the bowling alley's annual "Chug-a-lug for Prickly Heat" fundraiser.
Brunello Cucinelli: $1550.00

Let's not forget the little woman. She has to carry around a lot of stuff, so how about something nice to put it all in. Our friends at Gucci have the answer... the 'babouska' bag with double handles, zip-top closure, heart-shaped Gucci crest, studs, tassels, bottom feet, and inside zip and cell phone pockets. Nicely done in brown leather with brown suede trim and antique brass hardware. It may sound a little pricey, but don't forget those cell phone pockets.
Gucci: $2750.00

Boys, you want your lady to smell nice, now don't you. Not that her "Jean Nate" don't still fire up your loins, but this here's a real fancy fragrance. Tell her not to splash on too much 'cause its mighty pricey. If my math is right, just opening the bottle on this stuff will cost you about $860 due to evaporation. Just have her dab a drop on here and there (if you get my meanin") and you'll be leapin' like a whitetail buck during the Autumn rut.
Harrod's: Imperial Majesty: $215,000 a bottle

Let's take it up a notch. Here's a gift that will help you guys say "I'm sorry" after your wife has to bail you out for urinating in public. This is a big "faux pas" that dinner at Applebee's just won't make right. When you're in deep s**t, you need to pull out all the stops. How about (hold on to your hats) a new car. This little baby ought to wipe the slate clean going all the way back to prom night when that condom fell out of your wallet in her parents' living room. I give you the 2008 Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano. Beauty ain't she. Don't forget to negotiate with the dealer so you get the low end of the manufacturer's MSRP.
Ferrari Auto - MSRP: $302,584 - $312,395

How about a nice family getaway for Christmas? Things get kinda dull around the trailer park in December. Even your neighbor's "All You Can Eat Corn Dog Christmas" doesn't have the same cachet it used to. Well have we got a trip for you! How would you like to go down to the dock at Hickey's Bait and Tackle and find this floating Red Roof Inn waiting for you. Well grab your flip flops Bubba, round up the missus and the young 'uns and get ready to set sail. Imagine your fishing buddies' faces peering over the rail as you cruise by the live bait barge on the deck of the luxury motor yacht "Excellence III". You'll 'bout pee in your overalls when you give 'em a blast on the fog horn as you glide by.
Mediterranean & Caribbean Charter Motor Yacht: Lease for $365,000 a week.

Now if this economy's pinchin' your pocket, and they laid you off down at the Walmart, don't despair. You can still put something under that Christmas tree that's fun for the whole family and won't cost an arm and a leg. I'm talkin' about "Redneck Horseshoes", the game that's spreading like wildfire from Fayetteville to Tuscaloosa. Like it says on the box, "Tossin' Shoes and Drinkin' Brews", now that's what I'm talkin' about. Even if you can't afford to buy the game, it's easy to make your own. Just go down to Denny's for a Grand Slam breakfast, and while you're in the bathroom (and trust me, you will be in the bathroom) unscrew all the toilet seats and viola, horseshoes.

I want to close by wishing all of you a holly, jolly Christmas. One final holiday tip: when you set up the outdoor decorations on the lawn this year, take some inspiration from last years first, second and third place contest winners:


LOOKING FOR A WORTHY CHARITY? TRY THESE FOLKS: Children's Craniofacial Association


The Whiner said...

Hey let's round up the critters and take that big fancy tugboat over to Aunt Paula's for the Eve. I'll look as smashing carrying that Gucci purse as you will wearin that fur hat!

Jim Pantaleno said...

That's a big 10-4 darlin'.