Sunday, November 23, 2008

Stupid is Forever

Comedian Bill Engvall does a funny bit about how stupid people should have to wear signs that say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them or waste time asking them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me, can you tell me... oops... never mind, didn't see your sign." Like a lot of humor, it's funny because it's so true. Sometimes I hear things out of people's mouths that just make me shake my head. Engvall points out some good ones on his CD entitled (what else) "Here's Your Sign", but you can hear your own examples like these every day:

We like "bring your own wine" restaurants. It's a considerable savings on the cost of the meal when you don't have to pay the restaurant's ridiculous mark-up on wine. So I set the bottle we brought on the table and the waiter says: "Would you like me to open this for you?" "No, I'm bringing my wine collection down here one bottle at a time to show you, and this is the first installment." Here's your sign.

At the bakery , I take a number and wait to be served. (OK, so I nibbled at the free samples they put out to tempt you.) After ten minutes or so, my number comes up and the sweet young girl behind the counter asks: "Can I help you?" "Nope, I'm just wrapping up my "stand around and smell the cake" tour at all Staten Island bakeries, and you're my last stop." Here's your sign.

While having breakfast in the diner this morning, I hear from the booth next to ours: "So I bunked into him the other day..." and my idiot detector went off immediately. Sure enough, this moron is talking to his buddy and goes on a sexist rant about some woman he knows who is sleeping around (he used a different word) with every guy in town, and all she needs is a good man to make her happy. Here's the sentence that got him into this blog: "Hey, when I don't know nuttin', I keep my mouth shut." Ding-ding-ding...we have a winner. Here's your sign.

How about when your dentist is working on you, and your mouth is stuffed with cotton and enough and hardware to set off a metal detector. Your head is tilted back farther than it was ever meant to go, and your jaw is practically unhinged from complying with the "open wide" command. Your dentist then says something like: "What do you think of the Jets chances with Farve this year." You reply: "Gui rhoset deg irheg ah 'wroith." Hey doc, Here's your sign.

I don't recall the store I was in, but I was paying with a credit card. The clerk noticed that I hadn't signed the back of the card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She then compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. They matched. (Let's hope she chooses not to reproduce.) All together now: Here's your sign.

As someone wisely said: "Dumb can be temporary but stupid is forever." Anybody you know need a sign today?


LOOKING FOR A WORTHY CHARITY? TRY THESE FOLKS: Children's Craniofacial Association

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