Friday, November 7, 2008

@#$%&* You, Moron!

Remember "The Hulk", the guy who changed from calm, sensible Dr. Bruce Banner into that green, raging monster when provoked? Frankly, I like to think that normally I'm a calm, Dr. Banner type. (OK, just play along here, all right!) The Hulk in me only appears when I climb behind the wheel. I am not proud of this, but there it is. I can be most unpleasant to be around in my Hulk state, as my long-suffering wife will tell you. Why is this, you may wonder, what provokes me while driving a car? I'm glad you asked.

Let me begin by stating that I drive every day, so I see a lot of road behaviors. I am not bothered by speeders, as long as they don't weave in and out, endangering other drivers. At the other end of the spectrum, slow drivers are OK too, if they stay to the right and don't impede drivers who want to go faster. I always wondered if there was a "Bad Driver's Handbook" written by someone put on this earth to torment me on the road. I did some research, and sure enough, my suspicions were confirmed. (See picture). Here are a few specific things from the handbook that get my blood pressure up:

Distracted Drivers - I've seen guys with a cell phone cradled in their ear, a cup of coffee in one hand, and adjusting the radio with the other hand. How are they steering? The physical possibilities that present themselves are too unpleasant to think about. Women are notorious for applying makeup while the car is moving; this is not a myth, I see it often. People reading the paper, writing, texting, watching's an about driving the @#$%&* car!

Tailgaters - I know you want to get to your destination, we all do, but if you're in such a hurry, how about going around me? Sometimes I slow down intentionally just to piss them off, but there are other drivers out there who are more frightened and intimidated by tailgaters, and liable to something stupid at the sight of that Lincoln Navigator grill in their rear-view mirror. I notice (now don't get bent here if this sounds like you) that SUV drivers are more inclined to tailgate then others. Driving that big car doesn't compensate for what you may lack in other departments, so just back off.

Indecisive Drivers - If you want to cut in front of me, then just do it. Don't make a tentative feint and then slink back into your lane. Then I have no idea what you're trying to do. If you're looking for an address, that's OK, we all get lost. But don't crawl down the block at 1 mile an hour while the rest of us curse. Pull over dummy. When you put on that left directional, crazy me, I just assume you are going to make a left turn. The "eventual left" as Seinfeld called it is very common among seniors. HEY GRAMPS. check your dashboard once in a while!

I saved my greatest pet peeve for last. You're in line waiting to exit the highway or merge onto another road. Everyone is waiting patiently for their turn, when from out of nowhere comes "the lane creator". This pinhead passes all the waiting cars and tries to squeeze in at the head of the line. On your way to perform emergency heart surgery, are you? Maybe you're Superman and you can't find a phone booth to change in. The truth is, I don't give a rat's ass why you feel the need to get ahead of the rest of us, just don't try to pull in front of me. I'm not the timid old lady who will let you get by with this s**t, I will sooner wreck my car than let you ahead of me. Do we understand each other???

Don't let my rant fool you, I am as courteous a driver as you'll find on the road, just show me some courtesy in return. If you do engage in any of the above behaviors from the Bad Driver's Handbook, especially the last, you'll recognize me immediately. I'll be the one waving with one finger.


LOOKING FOR A WORTHY CHARITY? TRY THESE FOLKS: Children's Craniofacial Association

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