Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Things I Find Ridiculous

Where shall I begin.

Since the Mets and Yankees just made two pitchers obscenely rich, let's start with the salaries paid to athletes. How can throwing a baseball be worth $23 million a year! Pitchers don't even throw complete games anymore. When their "pitch count" hits the magic number the manager comes running out to yank them, and the game of "musical relief pitchers" begins. This guy only pitches to blue eyed, left-handed Methodists so he stays in the game for two hitters. Then comes the guy who specializes in getting out homophobic right-handed batters with tattoos. No wonder the games take five hours to play! How many teachers, nurses or firefighters can be paid for that money? Our priorities are so screwed up.

Why do bald guys go for the "comb-over?" What is the thought process? If I take the hair from my ears and let it grow out, and then rake it across my dome, everybody will think I have a full head of hair? I had a friend with a comb-over who actually walked only on streets where the wind didn't blow his "do". If you must have fake hair, buy a really expensive toupee custom-made for your head, not those $100 roadkill specials. Better yet, embrace your baldness;'s better than listening to the snickers.

I'm all for giving the handicapped (or whatever the politically correct term is these days) a break. Access ramps, larger stalls in public bathrooms, special parking spaces at the mall...whatever makes sense. What I have a problem with is the definition; since when did being fat become a handicap? Don't give me that slow metabolism crap; maybe if you stopped shoveling Whoppers down your pie hole, you'd dip below 300 pounds. Try walking the two blocks to Baskin-Robbins instead of driving and pulling into that reserved parking space that a truly handicapped person might really need. And my insurance premiums are going up just to pay for a motorized Rascal to wheel your fat ass around the mall! I don't think so.

On a related topic, you should have to pass some kind of test before buying Spandex pants. Why would someone who is morbidly obese want to shoehorn their flab into a skintight garment for the world to see? Do they own some specially designed magic mirror that convinces them it's OK to leave the house in that outfit? If the sight of you in Spandex triggers peoples' gag reflex, then no sale tubby. Wear those baggy sweatpants that make Rosie O'Donnell look so good.

I just saw a news item where some education guru was extolling a new program meant to teach kids how to play. Say again! We have to teach kids to play? Maybe if we left them alone for a while, they'd figure it out for themselves. Parents get nervous if their kid has an unscheduled hour in the day, Surely we can squeeze in an Origami class. Every activity has to have a learning objective. Kindergarten used to be a fun way to acclimate kids to the idea of school. Thanks to anal, controlling parents, and the scum-sucking educators who cater to their twisted whims, kids are now stressed out at age 5 because we overwork their little brains. Dare we wait until first grade to start them on algebra! Let the poor kids eat a crayon or two and pick their noses for a year. Then we can start turning them into quivering neurotics.

Has there been an honest politician since Abe Lincoln? It doesn't matter what party they're from, sooner or later scandal seems to overtake them all. Arrogance plays a big part. I guess you need a bigger than average ego to go into politics to begin with, and that is usually their undoing. Pure greed is a big factor too. Witness this moron from Illinois, Governor Rod Blagojevich. This guy was running the state like some mafioso, selling everything that wasn't nailed down, including Barack Obama's vacated senate seat. What was he thinking; "Oh I'll never get caught, I'm too clever!" He had his head so far up his ass that he could clean his teeth from the inside. I hope he's making Illinois license plates for the next twenty years.

Christmas letters. Some of you insist on sending out these chatty newsletters around the holidays informing us in the most breathless language of the minutia of your lives over the past year. "We spent our vacation with the Johnsons, and our good friends Doug and Betty Halsey came by for Thanksgiving. And you'll never guess what our dog brought into the house the other day." How can I put this without hurting anyone's feelings....we don't give a s**t! We love getting your holiday card and knowing your family is well, and appreciate that you thought enough of us to include our family in your holiday greetings, but please, I'm begging you, stay away from the word processor.

Finally, can somebody tell me how Jaws III, Godfather III or Rocky XXVI ever got made? With few exceptions, movie sequels rarely succeed. Even if the second go-round is OK, it never surpasses the original. By the third time they go to the well, somebody should have the guts to say enough is enough. Sometimes even the original is a dud. Think of such colossally bad films like Pluto Nash (money lost: $ 93 million); Heaven's Gate (money lost $99 million); Cutthroat Island (money lost $93 million). Somebody must have been sitting in the editing room thinking: "This is a piece of crap." I guess it's an "Emperor's Clothes" kind of deal; nobody wants to be the first to say out loud what everybody else can plainly see.

There are so many ridiculous things we are confronted with that one post cannot begin to cover them all. Therefore I will blithely ignore my own advice and write a sequel down the line. Feel free to comment and tell me it's crap.


LOOKING FOR A WORTHY CHARITY? TRY THESE FOLKS: Children's Craniofacial Association

1 comment:

The Whiner said...

Oh no, keep it comin'!