Pet Peeves...Chapter 1

Riding the NYC subway always has its moments. The crowding, assorted wierdos, screaming evangelists, and the worst faux pas of all in my view...eating on the subway. I'm not talking about a candy bar or a bag of chips, but the slobs who sit down and start opening containers of Chinese food! How could you eat a full meal while sitting in that rolling germ casserole they call the subway. I try not to let my ass touch the seat, but people will sit there blithely shoveling food into their mouths! Not to mention the fact that I have to smell greasy Kung Pow chicken while trying to put other equally unpleasant smells out of my mind. Disgusting.

Absent mindedness: I really don't care how absent minded you are, until it affects me. We're standing in line at McDonald's for five minutes. The giant menu is hanging in front of you the whole time. Here are the words I don't want to hear when you reach the front of the line just ahead of me: "Let's see, what shall I have?" Maybe instead of spending five minutes scratching, you could have lifted your dull, lifeless eyes to the freakin' menu you moron! Or we're in line at the supermarket and you're checking out. The clerk rings up your order and you try to pay by check. She asks you if you have a check cashing card with the store and you say: "No, can I fill one out now?" You turn to me and say: "This will just take a minute." Look at me....I'm smiling, but I want to rip your face off!

Over-answering: Ever ask someone how they are and ten minutes later you're still listening to their reply? What about people who tell pointless, boring stories in excruciating detail to the point that you're wondering if it's possible to kill yourself with a ballpoint pen? It's nice to make polite conversation when the other party understands that the question: "How've you been?" does not call for a half-hour presentation on the state of their hemorrhoids. For those of you who struggle with this, here are some ready-made answers to common questions for you to memorize: "Fine thanks, how are you?"; "Never better, see you around."; "Yes it is a nice day, enjoy it."

Twist ties: Who invented these things? Is there a twist tie industry out there cranking them out for the good of mankind? Men prefer to just twist the top of the bread package and fold it under; women are definitely pro-twist tie. Ever notice that the minute you put a twist tie down on the counter, it disappears? Like chameleons, they are made to blend in with whatever surface you lay them on, so that you have to go looking for a new twist tie. (The technology for doing this is known only to a few twist tie executives.) Once the old twist tie sees you have selected a new one, the old one magically reappears in the hope that you will throw it into the junk drawer with all the other used twist ties. It's diabolical.

Men's winter hats: There are a variety of hats men can wear in winter that are functional and don't make them look ridiculous. A new hat has popped up in the last few years that makes the wearer look like an older "special ed" kid. These babies are made of wool, usually in pukey colors, and the fashion grand slam is completed by ear flaps, and a string with pom poms on the ends that ties under the chin. I guarantee you if you put one of these on and stand outside Macy's with a tin cup, you'll clear fifty bucks a day. If you own one of these dorky hats, try this. Put the hat on and look in a mirror...if you don't lose your lunch, have your eyes checked!

Pet people: I like pets OK, although I'm not what you would call a pet person. The clincher for me was when they passed the "pooper scooper" law in New York City. Let me see if I have this straight...you want me to go out on a freezing cold morning, follow my dog around with a plastic bag and pick up the steaming little present he deposits in the grass? Not happening bucko. I had fish once; they were OK. Nice to look at and I didn't have to dive in after them to clean up. I'm talking about the very scary pet people, the ones that dress their pets in cute little outfits and leave Fluffy millions in their wills. C-R-E-E-P-Y.

I couldn't agree more that these are such trivial things, and yet they get my attention. Not only that, as I get older and flirt with Tourette's Syndrome, I'm apt to say something to the poor unsuspecting slob who has dared to ruin my day with their annoying behavior. God, life is good.

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