Sunday, February 8, 2009

Pet Peeves, Chapter 2

Here are a few more of the many things in life that bother me:

Golf, is without a doubt, the hardest, most frustrating sport I ever tried. In other sports you tend to progress steadily the more you play. In golf, you can hit fifty good shots, and then out of the blue, hit ten shots in a row that are so bad, its like you've never played before. That said, the last thing I want to hear after hitting one of these ugly shots is unasked for advice from my playing partner. With the steam still coming out of my ears, I'll hear: "You picked your head up." Now this would be annoying enough coming from a good player, but usually the worse a player is, the more inclined he is to offer advice. If you are someone who does this, here's a tip: shut up!

I know we worship youth in our culture, and it's considered a good thing as we get older to try to look and dress young. Eating right and exercising to keep from gaining weight is not only good for your appearance, but for your health. Dressing in clothes that are stylish and fit well can also help. This is a good thing too, up to a point. In their zeal to recapture lost youth, some seniors unfortunately go ridiculous extremes. Ever go to the beach and see the seventy-somethings in bikinis and Speedos! I think you get my point.

I believe there are about 9 people left in the world without a tattoo. Used to be that only sailors had tattoos, then bikers, and then one day the floodgates opened. In place of a simple "Mom" or "Louise" inscribed in a heart on a bicep, tattooing has become an art form, and peoples' bodies are the palettes. Intricate, multi-colored designs of mythical creatures, cartoon characters, and entire biblical sagas adorn the aficionado. There are no exemptions for age, race, or gender. Here's the bad news my dear: that butterfly decorating your decolletage may look sexy today, but in a few years when you start to sag, it will look like a faded bat hanging from your boob.

I'm a fairly affectionate person. It's nice if people want to hold hands, walk arm-in-arm, or even hug and lightly kiss in public. These displays of affection can be charming, in people of all ages. There is a line though that, once crossed, can quickly turn charming into repulsive. A few years back, some guys and gals walked with their hands in each other's back pockets. I found this slightly tacky. It was nothing though compared to the slobs who grope each other and writhe in the sweaty throes of passion in the back of the crosstown bus. Get get a room.

When I was young, if you walked around a tear in your jeans (we called them dungarees), families on the block would be inviting you in for a meal, thinking you were very poor. Today, we have become so jaded and such blind slaves to fashion that we actually pay people $80 a pair for pre-torn jeans. A store in our local mall was offering a $25 credit for your old jeans against the purchase of a new pair. Now I know what they do with them. We buy them, break them in and then they sell them back to us, laughing all the while at our stupidity. What a country!

The state of New Jersey, without a doubt, has the worst road signs in the country. They must have a hard-working "Department of Mislocated and Misleading Signage" because these road signs could not all be so poorly placed and confusing just by chance! For example, there will be a warning sign that the New Jersey Turnpike is just ahead, but when you get to the actual entrance, there is a fork in the road, but no clue as to which road leads to the turnpike. The best one is the little round signs that say: "Garden State Parkway" with an arrow. You are lost and so relieved to see the sign that you promptly take that road. What the sign doesn't tell you is that the entrance to the Garden State Parkway is 60 miles away.

Why not just put up a sign with an arrow pointing east that says: "France"!


Children's Craniofacial Association

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