Friday, April 24, 2009

Does This Smell Bad to You?

There's a very funny comedian named Dom Irrera who talks about his strange aunt who sticks a container of milk under his nose and asks: "Does this smell bad to you?" That's my question to you today readers. (That's right, I have two now.) Every once in a while, I'll hear about something that makes absolutely no sense to me.

The Suicide Watch - The papers are full of stories about this guy with a gambling addiction who paid his casino debts by robbing female "escorts" in hotel rooms. He brutally murdered at least one of these girls and maybe more. Another spoiled rich kid with everything handed to him, but taken down by one fatal character flaw. Anyhow, apparently this jerk tried to off himself in his cell, so now they have posted a "suicide watch" to make sure he doesn't hurt himself. Are you kidding me! Every time I hear about keeping an eye on some serial killer so he doesn't do anything rash, it makes me shake my head. How about this...we slide a .357 Magnum with one bullet under the cell door and go on lunch break.

Calling Homeland Security - There was a story in our paper about a local boy who made good by supplementing his income as a longshoreman with some side cash from a Colombian drug cartel. It seems our customs laws allow cargo handlers access to containers shipped in from all over the world before customs officials get to them. Is Homer Simpson in charge of U.S. Customs?? With all the post-9-11 frenzied security measures put in place like me having to take off my freakin' shoes at the airport, how does this ridiculous loophole survive? Do we just ask these guys to pinky-swear they won't take anything out of the containers like heroin or Uzi sub machine guns? We need better brains legislating for our national security.

Taxpayer-Funded Babysitters - When we misbehaved in school, Miss Wall (named for what she pounded your head against) would apply an immediate attitude adjustment and the problem was solved. Unless you enjoyed punishment, you stopped acting like a jerk and recited your times tables. Today, if one of these "Omen" children decides to "act out" as they call it, he is given a time out. Not as effective as banging his head against the wall, to be sure, because the undesirable behavior is usually repeated, but with a smirk added. At some point the devil child is suspended; that will teach him, you think. (Sorry, but we have some lovely parting gifts for you.) Since no one is at home, the child receives an "in school" suspension, meaning we have to pay a school aide to babysit this kid one-on-one. The parents' failure now becomes society's failure as we coddle this brat instead of giving him what his parents failed to...a loving kick in the ass.

CIA Light - Such a furor over the tactics used by the CIA and other intelligence agencies to interrogate enemy combatants. Water boarding, which sounds like something you'd do at Disneyworld, is especially abhorrent to some people. When I think of the horror of the Trade Center, the suicide bombers blowing up our sons and daughters in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the terror cells plotting to overthrow America and harm its citizens, I can't find it in my heart to press our government to go easy on enemy combatants when we catch them. If a particular technique helps get information that might save the life of one American, I say use it. Our enemies are brutal savages who behead journalists on television and stone adulterers to death. They understand only one thing...the hammer. We should not hesitate to use it.

Your Father's Voting Machines - We have computers that can imitate human speech, do complex mathematical calculations in a blink, some computers are even being programmed to think. With all this technological firepower at our disposal, why the hell are we voting in New York City on machines that were around during Al Capone's heyday? We trust the determination of who will ascend to our nation's highest office to these broken-down antiques that get banged around every election day by bored city workers who load them on trucks and bounce them over pothole-strewn roads to our polling places. Then a brigade of poll watchers takes over, (I call it Dunkin' Donuts Democracy). These good people, mostly senior citizens with not much to do, look up your name in a Bob Cratchit-style ledger for identification purposes. I wonder how many close elections produced the wrong result because of this low-tech fiasco?

I don't know why I let this stuff bug me, but there it is. You know those brave pilots that sit in an underground bunker somewhere waiting to scramble their aircraft in the event the United States is attacked? In my own small way, that's how I feel when I see something that just smells bad. Rest easy America...I am your first line of defense in the war against stupidity.


LOOKING FOR A WORTHY CHARITY? TRY THESE FOLKS: Children's Craniofacial Association


The Whiner said...

I agree on all items presented. I am not sure which is the most senseless.

Another thing that makes no sense is the hunger strike. Mia Farrow announced she's going on a hunger strike (and, by the way, shouldn't it be called an eating strike?) to show alliance with some refugees or something. Really, Who gives a flying f%#$!? Go ahead, starve yourself to death. Exactly what is this supposed to prove or accomplish? And who is suffering? Only you, Mia dear.

Jim Pantaleno said...

Last time I saw her, Mia already looked like she was a Twix Bar away from vanishing altogether. Ghandi did a lot of good with his hunger strike, but he was freakin' Ghandi!