Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Introducing the Red Diamond

Glad to be back at the old blogspot... I've been away for a while as our contractors work diligently on our new bathroom. You would think having a bathroom remodeled would not be a big deal, after all, we have another bathroom downstairs and it is just the two of us living in the house. Guess again grasshopper. We had so much stuff packed into that bathroom and it is now in boxes all over the house. The work also kicks up a lot of dust as walls, ceilings and tiles come down to make room for the new. I can't complain too much; Joe and Anthony are very neat and talented workers who did a great job. Best of all the stuff we picked out all looks beautiful together, a happy outcome considering what it all cost.

I have to say that we didn't go hog wild in selecting components for our new bathroom. It was a real education for us to see the kind of stuff that's out there in terms of tubs, toilets, tile, vanities and accessories. If money was no object, one could easily spend $30,000 to $50,000 for a room whose function is very basic; when I was in the army, we just dug one with a shovel when the need arose. We shopped around at some nice places, probably a tad above average in terms of price and quality, but nowhere near the extremes one could go to. Here are some of the nifty things available to the discriminating shopper who never looks at price tags.

You just polished off a big bowl of bran flakes and two giant coffees. Like the great Al Bundy, you grab your newspaper and step into your "office". But instead of that old toilet with the seat that's chipped in exactly the wrong places, what do you behold? Why it's the Toto Neorest 550 Duel Flush Toilet. This baby has a heated, temperature-controlled seat, a lid that raises automatically as you approach it, a cyclone flushing system that operates on a sensor or by remote control, a nightlight and air deodorizer. It also has "warm water washing and drying functions"... what these are just boggles the imagination! Just think, you can do your business and then wait until you hit the kitchen before using the remote to activate the cyclone flushing system. Just like James Bond pulling the pin on a grenade and tossing it over his shoulder as he steps into his Aston-Martin. I can put your cold buns on the heated seat of this baby for a mere $5,259 and shipping is free!

Tired of that ugly aqua tub that came with your dream house? Meet the Red Diamond bathtub from Water Games Technologies, a new high in bath tub decadence. The screaming-red tub features multicolor, underwater lighting, a computer-controlled heating system that maintains your desired water temperature, an automatic disinfection system and built-in massager. Of course it comes with two retractable HDTVs, crystal champagne holder, and built-in GSM module that lets you call your bathtub and get things ready for some splashy time from afar. So grab your rubber ducky, write a check for $47,000 and the Red Diamond is all yours.

OK, I can tell from the way the blood has drained from your face that you're not Red Diamond material, how about a nice shower? The folks at Moen abhor the term "shower", instead they refer to it as a "chrome digital vertical spa"...I swear, you can look it up. This system features four programmable temperatures, flow and custom presets, a bright LED screen that displays exact temperature and spray outlet, 7" diameter rainshower showerhead, a four-function handheld showerhead that provides a superior shower experience (gee, I always thought of it as just getting clean), four body sprays and an optional remote control with up to 30 feet of range. The Moen chrome digital vertical spa goes for a mere $2600, and that's just for the controls; it does not include the cost of the shower enclosure!

And now, with as much delicacy as I can muster, which, let's face it is not much, let's talk toilet paper. Tired of that cheap Wal Mart paper with the hunks of wood in it? Well the people at Revona bath products make a toilet paper that is truly worthy of your tender butt. These toilet paper rolls come in four colors, are said to be soft and silky, and more importantly, cost enough to make you feel special. It’s $13 to $20 for a three-pack, which arrives in a tube of similar color. Or, you can also order a regular pack of six, wrapped in plastic, which goes for $13 to $15. I'll bet you can't wait to polish off that Taco Bell burrito special just so you can tear open a roll.

When space aliens discover the remains of our planet, they might wonder what caused the civilization to fail. They only have to go back to the time of the Romans for the answer. Various reasons are suggested for the downfall of Rome. I think it was when they started upgrading perfectly functional bathrooms by installing lavish and expensive add-ons like marble tile and flowing fountains. For our civilization there is a parallel; the Red Diamond bath tub is clearly the beginning of the end for life as we know it.


Children's Craniofacial Association


Joseph Del Broccolo said...

I thought I just redid my bathroom a few years ago, turns out it was 13 years ago! It cost me a fortune whenI did mine, and I put in one less sink than before, and it still costs me a lot. Good luck in your new 'quarters'!
Joe Del Broccolo

Jim Pantaleno said...

More kids should become plumbers and electricians...they out earn college grads and don't have to wear suits.