Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Random Harvest

My wife got a $25 gift certificate to Bloomingdale's a couple of years ago that she never redeemed, so off we went to the Mall at Short Hills in New Jersey. Now this is a fancy place in a rich town filled with stores like Nieman Marcus, Saks and a ton of high-end retailers. People from Staten Island come under immediate security scrutiny when they pull into the parking lot. We spent a long time just trying to find something that cost $25 or less. The sales associates (not clerks please) give you that "you must want Macy's in the poor part of town" look as they try to help you without ever getting too close. I just want to say: "Yo, where's the terlet, I gotta take a leak", but my wife would be appalled, and so I bite my tongue.

The great Jerry Herman song "We Need a Little Christmas" from the musical version of Auntie Mame came on the radio last night. We began to think that this show needs to be revived. Casting would be tough, since the role has been played by such greats as Rosalind Russell, Angela Lansbury and Lucille Ball. We came up with Bebe Neuwerth (who was so great as Lillith on the TV show Cheers, and also on Broadway in Chicago) for the lead. The part of Mame's secretary Agnes Gooch, played brilliantly by Peggy Cass, would go to the very funny Tina Fey who would undoubtedly steal the show. We couldn't agree on the male lead. My wife likes John Schneider who played Bo Duke on the Dukes of Hazard. I think George Clooney would ace the part. So get busy Broadway producers and give this feel-good show another run.

Remember the big lie they told us when we first started paying for cable TV? No commercials, they said, the benefit of paying for cable television would be that you get to watch commercial-free. So we all lined up to give them our money and they actually kept their promise...for about six months. Now the commercial breaks on cable stations like USA and TBS are long enough for Tiger Woods to get another affair going. Not only do they inundate us with commercials, they crank up the sound. And how about those annoying station logos that pop up on screen in the middle of your movie. Shame on the FCC for screwing the entire country with this boondoggle. Gee, the government never lied to us before!

As I write this, the wind is howling, the skies are gray, and the rain is blowing sideways. I half expected to see Dorothy and Toto sail by when I looked out the front window to see if the old door I put out with the garbage had become airborne like a flying carpet. I know we're supposed to treasure every day we're alive, but really, this day sucks. When people say they LOVE winter, what they really mean is they love being sheltered from it. I think I have SAD (Seasonal affective disorder) a form of depression that occurs in relation to the seasons, most commonly beginning in winter. Even on the coldest days, bright sunshine elevates my mood from grouchy to cranky...that's the happiest I get.

Don't you love those commercials where these sappy people babble on about how they found their life's soulmate. (By the way, the guy who runs that website is really creepy...he used to do the commercials himself, but I guess his icky personality gave the Marketing Department second thoughts.) Anyhow, they should have to do a "one-year-later" segment where they bring you up to date on how these losers are getting along. I guarantee you that most of those clueless guys, who are so beside themselves with happiness today, are just an ill-timed fart or a toilet seat left in the "up" position away from a one-way ticket back to single-ville.

We were listening to Christmas music on 106.7 FM last night...they start playing it on the Fourth of July right through the holiday season. A little girl called in to ask the DJ to play a Christmas song for her school principal, Mrs. Knox. She said, in the sweetest angelic voice, that Mrs. Knox was smart and fun and coached the horseback riding team in her school. The DJ said that Mrs. Knox sounded like a lot more than a principal, and that maybe she inspired this little girl. The girl answered simply, "Yes". I really hope Mrs. Knox was listening. Teachers will never become rich or famous, but I bet a lot of people out there would give anything to hear a dedication like that from a sincere little girl. (I may be a grouch, but things like this always get to me.)


LOOKING FOR A WORTHY CHARITY? TRY THESE FOLKS: Children's Craniofacial Association


The Whiner said...

Well very random but very true. I like the Tiger Woods line...that fool. I admired him and I feel let down. Hmmmphhh, just another page in my Cynical Book.

Joseph Del Broccolo said...

Tiger Woods is becoming like Bubba, a legendary sex appetite!

I totally agree about those bums promising no commercial TV for cable. It is now more commercial than the old fare was, and will eventually replace it as far more profitable!