Saturday, January 9, 2010

I'm Not Cool

I might have been cool at some time, but that's all over now. It's OK, don't protest, I've made my peace with my un-coolness. Here are the Top Ten reasons I know I'm no longer cool:

10. I go through the used clothes my sons give me for the local clothing drives and usually find a few things to augment my wardrobe. I usually replace these with a few things of my own; I'm damned if some homeless guy is going to be better dressed than me.

9. I take home my leftover home fries from the diner and whip up some beautiful potato and egg omelettes. Less wasted food, less wasted energy by not having to cook my own potatoes, and a few cents saved in my budget. Wins all around but my kids would be mortified.

8. I don't buy things I can't afford just to keep up with the Joneses. Those irresponsible Joneses, with their crippling mortgages and Lexus SUVs, are the ones who put this country in the hole we're in, and that all us "un-cool" people have to pay our way out of.

7. Rather than sit on the stoop drinking Colt-45 out of a paper bag, and taking money for nothing from hard working people, I sleep better knowing I worked for what I have. Welfare and the "entitlement" mentality are crippling this country.

6. I have no tattoos. No part of my body is pierced. I don't grow the hair on the back of my bald head long and tie it into a ponytail. I don't pay $90 for jeans with some gender-challenged designer's name on the pocket when I can buy equally good pants for $20 bucks.

5. I don't pretend to like that thumping, grunting noise they call rap music. The content is offensive, and the lifestyle of the thugs who foist this crap on us goes against my grain. Add to that a dislike of guys wearing their pants below their asses, especially white kids trying to look cool.

4. I believe marriage by definition is a union between a man and a woman. I'm OK with same-sex relationships, even extending the same benefits to partners in such a relationship as spouses in a marriage, but don't call it a marriage; it's not.

3. I used to be tactful, but as I get older tend to speak my mind. My wife refuses to go to a movie with me because I'm a "shusher"; I'm tired of dealing with incompetence and apathy in people; I say things out loud that I should keep to myself. Definitely not cool.

2. I hate reality TV shows, especially the ones that trash the not-so-talented performers, or tell me way more about the participants' personal lives than I need to know. I think people who tune in to these shows just to watch the train wrecks are sad and pathetic.

1. Although they are in their 30's and 40's, I still worry about my kids. If they get into trouble, I fret as if the problem were mine. I try to keep them from making the same mistakes I did, yet allow them to make their own decisions and learn from their bad ones. Tough balancing act.

Probably in the next fifty years, there will be a "Museum for the Un-Cool" where fossils like me will be on display for cool people to snicker at. There will also be an exhibit featuring all the American values that have been diminished by the legions of the politically correct; it will occupy several floors. Glad I won't be around to see it.


LOOKING FOR A WORTHY CHARITY? TRY THESE FOLKS: Children's Craniofacial Association


Joseph Del Broccolo said...

Who wrote this, me or you?

Jim Pantaleno said...


The Whiner said...

11. You were Captain of the Crossing Guards in grade school.

And please stop telling everyone about those damn home fries...

Jim Pantaleno said...

12. I don't remember writing about home fries before.