Sunday, April 25, 2010

What I Meant to Say Was...

GENESIS 1:1-2:4 tells us that on the sixth day of creation, God made the animals and man. It states further that on the seventh day, He rested. Biblical scholars have recently discovered new evidence that reveals that on the seventh day, God looked back on His day six efforts and exclaimed aloud: "Oh me, (normally He might have said Oh God, but he was God you see) I've created a race of idiots and I need to send out a recall notice. It was then that God instilled in the mind of Man that built-in censoring mechanism that allows us to edit the thoughts we are really thinking to make them more socially acceptable before unleashing them in verbal form. Without this critical modification to the race of Man, the world would have surely ended on the eighth day. Some examples:

You are hosting a major holiday dinner. You plan, shop, cook, clean and prepare to serve a standout meal. Your guests arrive and you greet and seat them. All is ready, but couple is missing. You do your best to amuse those who arrived on time. You know your dinner is on the stove too long, but what can you do. Finally the late comers breeze in 45 minutes late. "We just couldn't get going today..." they laughingly declare, "...hope we didn't hold you up". WHAT YOU SAY: "Don't be silly, we were just getting started". WHAT YOU THINK: "I busted my ass getting this meal on the table. All we asked of you two a**holes was to get here on time, and you couldn't even get that right"!

Your teenage daughter's date shows up and he's everything you never wanted to see on your doorstep. Dressed in black leather with assorted body parts pierced, and looking like the centerfold for "Father's Worst Nightmare" magazine. He comes in to say hello, only because your daughter told him this was the proper way to pick up a date; he would have preferred to honk the horn by way of announcing he was waiting for your little girl. "I guess we'll be going now" he mutters. WHAT YOU SAY: "OK, nice meeting you, you kids have a nice time now". WHAT YOU THINK: "If you so much as lay a finger on her, I will find you and kill you slowly".

You're on line at the supermarket congratulating yourself on finding a line with only one woman ahead of you. You put the little plastic barrier on the conveyor that keeps her items from contaminating yours, and get your credit card out in anticipation of a quick checkout. Suddenly you notice the cashier looking for a UPC code on this woman's giant bag of pork rinds. And then the dreaded announcement: "Someone from snack foods to register 6 please". Dead, dead, dead. The woman looks at you sheepishly and says: "Sorry, this always seems to happen to me". WHAT YOU SAY: "Don't worry about it, I'm not in a rush". WHAT YOU THINK: "You fat cow, maybe this always happens to you because you're too stupid to check your items for price tags before inconveniencing everyone behind you"!

You work for weeks on a comprehensive presentation, laying out your ideas in a cohesive, sensible way for solving a problem your department is having. Your pitch to senior management is flawless, and you can tell from their body language that they are about to congratulate you for being so ingenious. Then the favored intern of the week (probably female or minority) chimes in with some inane idea pulled right out of his/her ass on the spur of the moment. The audience looks doubtful but your boss says: "That's an interesting approach Jamal, why don't you and Jim work together on that". WHAT YOU SAY: "No problem, I look forward to it". WHAT YOU THINK: "This was my moment, I worked hard and nailed the solution to this problem and you want me to share the credit with this clueless ass-kisser"?

God realized that Man could never survive if allowed to express unfiltered what was really on his mind. Otherwise that first conversation with Adam might have gone something like this: God to Adam: "Why have you eaten the forbidden fruit of the Tree of Knowledge"? WHAT ADAM SAID: "The woman made me do it, Lord". WHAT ADAM THOUGHT: "Geez God, if you didn't want us to eat the freakin' fruit, why put it there in the first place? Hello, am I supposed to be a mind reader?" And so God spared Himself the need to hear Adam mouth-off, and spared Adam's descendants the embarassment of having to live with the consequences of uttering what we were really thinking.



1 comment:

Joseph Del Broccolo said...

How true! I call what I think Turrets syndrome of the brain!