Wednesday, January 30, 2013

App-less in Seattle

We are addicted to gadgets, there is absolutely no doubt about it. The technology made possible by geniuses like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs has enabled a host of electronic toys that we can't seem to get enough of. I may not be a gizmo-geek, but I thought I was keeping up pretty well until stuff like smart phones and I-pads came along, Now, and I freely admit this,  I am hopelessly lost in the techno jungle. Even more confusing to me than the gadgets is some of the new software that enables all this functionality, the so-called apps. Apps, apparently, are programs that can be downloaded to your smart phone that enable it to do wondrous things.

I don't have any apps. To the best of my knowledge, I don't need any apps. I am probably in the minority on this issue. I am like Neolithic man looking on in wonder as Paleolithic man uses fire to warm his cold bones. I see the fire, I see the good it can do, but I don't understand it, and therefore, I fear it. Apps are everywhere. I see people taking out smart phones way more advanced than mine and doing things from ordering theater tickets to paying for their Starbucks coffee. I see these little black and white rectangles that look like Rorschach inkblots everywhere I look. These must be the magic symbols that activate the sleeping apps that turn your smart phone into, well, everything.

I've been thinking about taking the app plunge, after all, I want to be more hip and with it. For example, here's an app I could use. You select from one of over 2,500 companies (including all of the Fortune 500), and the app calls the company and waits on hold. When a customer service representative finally picks up on the other end, the app calls you back and you’re free to complain or chat as you will. As great as this app may appear, I can think of an immediate enhancement they should make. When you are finally connected to the customer service representative, they need an app that will help you make sense of the person's unintelligible Indian accent!

Here's another app I might put on my list. Ever been trapped by someone you really didn't want to talk to? They go on and on and there is no escape. Usually I just say something rude like "Don't you ever shut up!?" As you can see, this might upset some overly sensitive people. Smartphone to the rescue with this app, that will give you a fake phone call by simply shaking the phone. Just shake and excuse yourself to take the important "call". This will probably only work once or twice with the same person, so either avoid this person or keep some rude remarks at hand for backup.
After seeing this next app, I'm thinking we might be getting to the bottom of the app barrel. This app does only one thing, it uses the iPhone speaker to blow a light puff of air. That's right, it can even blow out a candle using the smartphone. It's apparently for those unable to blow candles out without assistance, or those who like to annoy their pets. I would like to meet somebody who feels the need to own this particular app. I want to know how they use it. I also want to be able to say that I know someone dumb enough to pay for something to blow out candles.

I'm probably just not an app guy. Maybe if they came up with one that would fetch the TV remote or straighten out my golf slice, I'd consider it, but for now, blowing out my own candles is something I can still manage.


Children's Craniofacial Association


Joseph Del Broccolo said...

How about an app for Braindrops or DelBloggolo? You are in the bathroom with no reading material, bang you hit the Spaldeen app and instant blog? You can stay in there until everything works out, no?

Jim Pantaleno said...

I like it.