Tuesday, November 25, 2008

How The Yuppies Spoiled Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time when we, like the Pilgrims who started this holiday in 1621, take time out to thank God for all we have been given. Somehow, what with all the parades, football games, and eating as if we were going to the electric chair at dawn, the "thanking" part tends to get overlooked. Oh sure, we're thankful for our families and friends, good health, living in a great country like the United States...all the big blessings that come to mind, but what about the small things? They deserve our gratitude too. And so, hoping to set a good example and maybe start a trend, I decided to list the top ten small things in life that I'm thankful for:

10. That Rosie O'Donnell is a lesbian so that no poor guy has to sleep with her.

9. Living in a country where anyone can grow up to be President, even if they shouldn't.

8. Being named "Sexiest Man Alive" by Geezer Magazine.

7. Thanks to organ transplants, we can now have someone else's heart attack.

6. The market's down, but I can still watch Law and Order reruns three times a day.

5. Finally, all Adam Sandler movies are available on DVD.

4. There was no "Godfather IV".

3. Our sacred American tradition that allows any idiot to vote.

2. That Barbra Streisand never had a "wardrobe malfunction."

1. As proven by reading the Darwin Awards, at least some idiots are eventually weeded out of the gene pool.

I am also thankful for all those Macy's parades we took the kids to back in the day. We must have gone for twenty straight years. Standing huddled against the cold waiting to see such b-list celebrities as the lip-sinching Osmond Family, Eartha Kitt at age 85 on a respirator, and the guy who does Bette Midler's dry cleaning. It was worth getting up at 5 am for this. The real parade attraction was the balloons. I don't know how they maneuvered those mammoth things down Central Park West, with the swirling crosswinds on every corner, but it was always a treat to see. The crowd would start buzzing when a particular favorite was still blocks away: "Here comes Snoopy, here comes Snoopy."

The parade was fun when we first started going. People were reasonably polite and respected the fact that those in front had got there early to have a good view. In later years, the Yuppie scum showed up, arriving late with their Starbucks coffee and spoiled-rotten kids. They would push their kids to the curb with no regard for who was in front of them. One year we saw a bunch of them standing on the hood and roof of some poor shlub's car to get a better view. When we hollered at them to get off, they looked at us like we were crazy. To paraphrase an old joke: "What's the tragedy when a bus load of Yuppies goes off the cliff." Answer: Two empty seats.

Holidays are a special time. They remind us that being with family and celebrating our traditions are what make the day so uniquely American.

In that spirit, I wish you and your family a very Happy Thanksgiving.


LOOKING FOR A WORTHY CHARITY? TRY THESE FOLKS: Children's Craniofacial Association


The Whiner said...

Oh and don't I remember the heavy sighing and eye rolling when the yuppies pushed their kids to the front...was part of the tradition of seeing the parade.

Jim Pantaleno said...

They were lucky I didn't put that Starbucks where the sun don't shine.