Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Twelve Days of Christmas

We all remember the Christmas classic, the Twelve Days of Christmas first published in 1780. We'll hear it 1,495 times between now and the holidays. I think the old song needs updating though, after all, who gives French Hens for Christmas any more. It's soooo over. Having nothing better to do, I hereby volunteer for the job. As a guide, I thought I'd turn to the stack of holiday gift catalogs that fill my mailbox every year. After looking at some of this crap, it seemed appropriate to develop a twist on the old song, so I hereby present The Twelve Tacky Days of Christmas. Just so you don't think I'm making this stuff up, I've included the links to the sites where you can learn more about these truly unique gifts. (Click on any photo to enlarge or click the link for gift details, then click your 'Back' arrow to return to the blog.)

Day 12 - Let's start with over-the top tacky. Everyone loves those clever t-shirts with the funny sayings. They make a statement that tells the world who you are. It's getting harder and harder to find any that are fresh and original, but I think this snappy little item more than meets that criteria. ttp://,12574062

Day 11 - Here's one for the youngsters on your list. Who doesn't love Santa Claus? Certainly not Mrs. Claus, shown here putting the ho in Ho-Ho-Ho.[2in5oAv291I].cfm

Day 10 - What do you get that person on your list that's always so hard to shop for? You know the one, has everything, needs nothing, and barely contains the contempt they feel every time they open your gift. Here's a surprise that will really get them to sit up and take notice.

Day 9 - Who doesn't love a laugh around the holiday dinner table? This hilarious gift will make you the hit of this year's family Christmas. Right after that big holiday dinner, when Uncle Al sits back in his chair and secretly loosens his belt, turn this baby on and wait for the chuckles.

Day 8 - We all like reading a magazine in the can, but this unique gift will give you something to look at instead of that six-month old time magazine, It's the Christmas gift that keeps giving throughout the year, and as the ad so cleverly puts it, "...when your little fishies end their meager lives, they haven't far to go."

Day 7 - Here's a gift that people will thank you for every time they use it. Surely we've all been in one of those conversations when we want to lunge across the table and go for the speaker's throat. Let's face it, some people just don't know when to shut up. These "Stop Talking" cards will get the job done for you without resorting to violence and maybe risking a serious ass kicking.

Day 6 - Help your loved ones re-live the terror from the heart-stopping shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho." This shower curtain will evoke disturbing images of Tony Perkins dressed up as Mother. They'll thank you every time they shower.

Day 5 - Are you waiting impatiently for grandma to kick off so you can inherit her money. Why not speed things up a bit. Just wait for grandma to get ready for bed. Then lie down on her floor with this blood-pool pillow under your head and viola, it's a Christmas miracle.

Day 4 - Our head of state can be your head of state...just add water. (Health Care Plan sold separately.)

Day 3 - Let's not leave baby out of the fun. These can't miss pacifiers will let even Junior wow your in-laws at the holiday table.

Day 2 - Got a smoker on your Christmas list? These poor folks are feeling mighty persecuted these days, having to climb ladders up to the roof just to grab a Marlboro. Let them know you still love them with this tasteful lung-shaped ash tray.

Day 1 - This is a nice compliment to the Psycho Shower Curtain. When the folks stumble screaming out of the shower, they'll want to towel off in a hurry. Though terrified, they'll know in a minute which end of the towel to use where.





Joseph Del Broccolo said...

I'm disappointed! I thought for sure the 'Subtle Butt' would make the list this year!

Jim Pantaleno said...

I had already circulated that one in an e-mail or it would have been right up there.