Monday, November 29, 2010

Dumb De Dumb Dumb

Asians, formerly known as Chinese in the days before political correctness, are a marvelous people. Their history and culture are extraordinary, their cleverness and work ethic are unequaled, yet there is a flaw in them. Considering their superior intelligence, I have one question: Why do Chinese restaurant owners have people answering the phone for take-out orders who simply cannot be understood? When they repeat back my order, here's what I hear: "2 ek loll, 1 swe an sou pok, 1 bee wi blockl, 1 spa lib, dat it?" I see and hear so many bright young Chinese kids who speak better English than I do... hire one!

Saw a sign at the mall saying: "This year, be the kind of Santa you want to be." Translation, spend money you don't have on things you don't need so your family will love you. This whole Black Friday thing is criminal. Not only do retailers want us to dig ourselves into debt, they want us to wait in line starting at midnight on Thanksgiving for the privilege of being trampled by crazed, zombie shoppers looking for Anorexic, Depressed Barbie and Metro Sexual Ken. Not me kids, I'll be online doing my shopping. Even identity theft is better than death by bargain hunting cretins.

Our Constitution guarantees freedom of speech, but there are limits. The smirky pinheads at Wikileaks who use their first amendment privilege to publish classified documents should be prosecuted as traitors. Their actions put people in harm's way and jeopardize our country's diplomatic relations. Same goes for all who abet their treason including the newspapers who print these documents. This is not a game; we are waging war with terrorists who want us dead. Wikileaks and those who run it must be held accountable.

At least twice a week I drive into Manhattan. We leave at 5:30 in the morning, so it should be a clear run into the city, except for one thing...double parkers. All along First Avenue, where the lights are perfectly timed north bound, there will be countless a-holes double parked on both sides of the street, slowing traffic to a crawl just so the fat bastards can get their morning bagels without walking 50 feet. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?" "We have Your Honor, we find the defendant guilty of double parking." "Will the defendant please rise. You been found guilty of double parking in Manhattan. This Court has no choice but to sentence you to death by hanging."

Don't you love the web sites where, after filling out a two-page form to buy something online and pressing the "Submit" link, you get the following message: "You have omitted a key field on the form, please use the Back arrow on your computer to fill in the missing information." Now I'm not the brightest bulb in the drawer, but here's an idea: since you know what f&^$ing field I left out, how about telling me, or God forbid, automatically returning the cursor to the missing field with a prompt to fill it in. It just proves what I've said all along: most companies don't give a s&*t about their customers.

There are so many annoying radio commercials advertisers subject us to every day. Whether its unfunny humor, repetitive, hypnotic music being played behind the announcers voice, or that screaming maniac from Auto World selling cars, I just can't take it any more. Here's the one that pissed me off this morning: "This is the sound of 50 hands playing a Mozart concerto. (Sound effect). This is the sound of 1,000 hands applauding that performance (Sound effect)." Well this is the sound of my hand flying through the air turning off my freaking radio! If anyone wonders why people pay to listen to Sirius Satellite radio, just try listening to commercial AM radio and you'll understand.

Thank you doctor, I feel so much better. Same time next week?


LOOKING FOR A WORTHY CHARITY? TRY THESE FOLKS: Children's Craniofacial Association


The Whiner said...

Yes, the usual 5o minutes and $400 fee. And I'll have 2 ek lolls and a an order of ro mane before I leave for my shopping spree...

Joseph Del Broccolo said...

Give me da flied lice with pok, please.